Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
