i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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