he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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