if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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