Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
