More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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