I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
