my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
