True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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