My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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