I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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