I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
