I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
