Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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