I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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