hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
