He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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