Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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