If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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