Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
