I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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