She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
