if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
