Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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