ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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