Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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