You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
