New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
