Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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