Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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