I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
