It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think your dad took our porno
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
