Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
