Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize