you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
