Sry I called you an 8
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
