The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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