It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
