I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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