Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
