Best friends brother. Beat that.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize