I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
