All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize