he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
