the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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