why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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