were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
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