Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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