Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
