why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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