i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize