Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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