we have officially lost it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
