Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
