Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
