Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize