I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
