you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
