What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
